INVESTING IN LOVE OR LONESOMENESS?

Recently, a heartsore tweet by the famed American comedian and actress, Leslie Jones, generated so much uproar and counter-debates about finding love and dying alone. She expressed her heartache not out of self-pity or lack of self-love —as she later explained via another tweet— but out of inner yearning to love and be loved. She is a 50-year-old successful entertainer who feared she might die alone, unloved. This begs the question about the society’s one-directional viewpoint about romantic relationships, where it’s never about ‘to have or not to have’, but must have. However, is being without a partner/spouse/lover means one is unlovable and that happiness remains forever elusive?

From the neurotic standpoint of collective dream of romance that has been sold to us for eons, there seemed to be no inner-fulfillment in a life bereft of romantic love. In addition to our basic needs such as shelter, food, health care and education, an adult must aspire to settling in a marriage; have a litter of children and bottomless pit of material wealth, except he/she abstains for religious reasons. Anything sort of that is woeful failure.  This collective dream has been fed to us with such tenacity that we rigorously question the meanings of our existence without them. It is tantamount to having a meaningless life without romantic bonds. Look at the continuous manipulation from the podia of organized religions and the media, it rammed into the mind that a successful life is one beguiled with material wealth, beautiful children and trophy spouses. The systems and people that influence the cultures, which determine our world outlooks and values have nurtured many lives with these insatiable cravings from the cradle.

This is not dismissing the fact that humans’ social interactions are wellbeing signifier. Human interconnectivity is astounding, as scientists have found that newborns deprived of affections of touch by their caregivers would soon die. But the communal love that adult humans previously thrived upon as been replaced by the perennial need for physical closeness to a soulmate, lover, husband or wife. This in itself is not a problem, if an individual wishes to be married or co-live with a partner as lovers. What has become daunting for many humans striving to fit into the collective dream of the 21^st century is to not be left behind by failing to find ‘someone to belong to’. This ‘sense of belonging’ is subsumed in feverish desire and fetish attachment that sends one cascading into dangerous waters. With all the pandemonium hypes about romance, It is easy to develop generalized anxiety and a sense of worthlessness if love is unrequited or ended without another prospect on the horizon.

Scientifically, human brains responds to love on a deeper level. According to anthropologist Helen Fisher in her popular book The Anatomy of Love, human brain produces through a neurotransmitter, a chemical called dopamine that lights up when one is in love. And once romance ends, the brain neurotransmitter snaps with a surge similar to a substance addiction, which makes breakups difficult to overcome and the stress-hormones that this forlornness triggers can lead one to a full blast depression. Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist specializing in meditation to improve the emotional style of a human’s brain, realizes that moving from one end of emotional spectrum to a balanced center in relation to how one’s brain reacts to life surprises is plausible. His work presents the benefits of meditation as crucial in altering one’s lopsided perceptions about the world, as well as improving one’s wellbeing. His findings reinforce the bliss that comes with stripping off attachment to desire that create suffering, which the Buddha transcended. As a matter of fact, except one came as a twin or a quadruplet, everyone is born alone. Then upon arrival, joins other pulsating energy in the universe to experience life as a sentient being. So, dying alone ought not be morbidly terrifying. There is no need to fear “lonesomeness”. To be alone is not the same as being lonely, except the mind thrives on the language of loneliness. To rectify this anomaly, if one takes a quick deep breath while looking around one’s immediate environment, it can easily be seen that one is actually surrounded by boundless life forces. With numerous beings trotting about, and many activities happening on a daily basis, not to talk of other microorganisms co-existing with life, being alone couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Dating itself can be stressful, as it requires enormous emotional and mental investments. And if humans with unresolved internal issues come together, it often than not, result in co-creation of dysfunctional relationships that turn sore, over and again. Also, dating can be very gratifying, if lovers recognize the illusion and impermanence of all things and cultivate a connection devoid of normative expectations. In any case, whether with someone or by oneself, these are two life experiences that require neither comparison nor confusion. They are only variations of life-experiences. Above all, investing in self-love is key, because it is in this internal settlement that another can share the light that shines bright illuminating eternal joy and happiness. And if it pans out differently that one is without a relationship, to embrace the so-labeled “lonesomeness” with acceptance, joy and freedom. There is no singular way to be a part of the universe or experience the self. Learning to view the collective dream of the world as the greatest illusion of our time can assist in lessening the avoidable sorrow that stems from wanting to fit in and be loved. How can one be unloved when the fabric of our very existence is love itself? Isn’t it more wonderful if one reaches a pinnacle of understanding that nothing is ever lacking whether with someone or by oneself? Take a look around one more time, how can one be alone when one is so vastly surrounded by life itself?

There is no more critical time than now to be aware of the inherent illusions of collective dream of romance. Through the ubiquitous Internet, humans are getting ever bombarded with trendy or half-true information about love and life. We are constantly racing against the riptides of incessant wants and needs while we compare our lives with the Internet success stories of other couples. Even when stories of multiple-breakups hit our screens, there is a tendency to turn a blind eye and keep looking for ‘the one’ in desperation. It is however not as difficult to remember how complete we are as individuals in the collectives. At our fingertips is empirical evidence that sojourning inward offers eternal freedom from all sufferings that blur our inner-state of equanimity. With it, one garners clarity about the pragmatic ways in which one can respond to life with profound wisdom. 

Toyin Ajao (Ph.D)

Gypsy Goddess

Leader of the Spiritual Anarchists @ Gypsy Goddess Rebellion

Scholar, writer, healer, teacher, researcher, adventurer, rebel.